Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with Trauma Survivors

People often ask why did I let this person do this to me? Or why did I end up in an abusive relationship? Or why do I keep ending up in abusive relationships?

There is a reason…

In her book ‘Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with Trauma Survivors’ Dr. Susan Johnson states:

From an attachment perspective, trauma survivors may have no models of responsive, caring others and so may be unable to reach out and enlist support when they need it. Without the experience of secure attachment whereby a person feels valued and affirmed, it is difficult to develop positive self-esteem. It is then hard to fight against abuse if you feel that maybe you deserve it. It is even harder when you have little trust that others will support you in such a fight.

What this means is that if a person didn’t have a secure attachment with their mother or father (or other significant adult) in childhood, they don’t have a blueprint for how to ask for support in adult relationships. A secure attachment develops when a child feels protected and loved by their caregivers. With a secure attachment to their caregivers, a child knows that they can always depend on their caregivers to return to them, as well as being able to trust that they will always be there for them. If a person didn’t receive support in this way it becomes difficult to flourish developmentally and it is hard to seek out help and unconditional love in adult life. If they have never received it, then they don’t know what they’re missing or how to ask for it.

Without the experience of secure attachment to their caregiver in childhood, it also means that a person’s self-esteem is impacted. Generally, the result of this is, unfortunately, the development of low self-esteem. When a person develops low self-esteem, it can become hard to identify, fight against, or walk away from abuse in an intimate partnership. Having low self-esteem can make people feel like they deserve to be treated that way, or that they somehow created the abuse by making their partner angry. They may also feel as if they are not good enough for their partner or that they are fortunate to have them, etc.

If a person hasn’t had an experience of an adult protecting them or supporting them in childhood it may also be extremely difficult to trust that someone will support them to leave an abusive relationship. They may feel like life is always going to be this way, and their experience is as good as life gets. Of course, this is not true.

So, if we accept that life doesn’t have to include abuse or mistreatment in intimate partnerships the question remains, how do people learn to ask for and demand a different experience? How do people who haven’t had a secure attachment bond (the primary defence against trauma) fight the dragon of trauma and move forward from their past into a brighter future? What gives somebody the best chance, not just at survival after trauma, but at being able to live a life outside of the dragon’s shadow?

All trauma theorists agree that first of all, before anything else can change a survivor needs a safe place to be, a haven where the person feels protected from attack. Once this is established the next most effective defence from the dragon is a secure attachment bond, a loved one to stand beside the person in the dark. As Dr. Johnson says;

“Comfort and protection from those nearest to us is the path to resilience and healing that is wired in by evolution…the attachment system is evolution’s way of maximising survival in a dangerous world, a world in which a person cannot survive alone”

Secure attachment protects us, insecure attachment, unfortunately, often intensifies and perpetuates the effects of traumatic experience. Additionally, if the trauma is inflicted by people who are caregivers this experience can contaminate future connections with other attachment figures and interfere with the natural processes of growth and healing.

So, how does a safe attachment to another provide an antidote to the damage trauma does? The following table replicated from Dr. Johnson’s book contrasts the effects of trauma with the protective effects of secure connectedness with attachment figures.

Traumatic Experience Secure attachment

Floods us with physical fear/helplessness Soothes and comforts

Colours the world as dangerous/unpredictable Offers a safe haven

Creates overwhelming emotional chaos Promotes affect regulation/integration

Threatens a cohesive sense of self Promotes personality integration

Assaults self-efficacy and a sense of control Promotes confidence/trust in self and others

Scrambles the ability to engage fully in the Promotes openness to experience, risk

present, and so to adapt to new situations taking, and new learning.

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A couple’s therapist who understands how insecure attachment and trauma impact intimate partnerships, knows and understands that focus on the attachment injury is essential if the relationship is to improve.

If you are looking to enrich a healthy relationship, revitalise a tired one or rescue one gone awry, find out more about Couples Therapy at www.integratedcorecounselling.com.au, or book an appointment with Jay on 0406 625 390.